How to Start a Conversation When You Have Nothing to Talk About
Here are some ways to start a conversation when you have nothing to talk about.
1.Begin by introducing yourself.
Begin by introducing yourself. It's very simple, and consists of telling the new person your name, offering your hand to shake and smiling.
2.Be aware of your internal monologue.
When you suddenly feel that you're not able to engage in conversation with another person, it's likely that you're telling yourself a few negative things, such as worrying that you're boring, not good enough, too unimportant, intruding, wasting their time, etc. You might also be worrying about what the other person is thinking about you and this concern causes you to feel tongue-tied. Feeling self-conscious when carrying on conversation with others is not unusual but it's also not productive. Try to keep in mind that everyone has these self-doubts from time to time but that it's essential to overcome them in order to engage with fellow human beings.
* Reassure yourself that the other person is not judging you. Even if they are, think "So what?" and don't give them the upper hand in your life.
* Realize that there are many good ways to leap over your negative inner monologue and to fire up the conversation. It's an art which can be learned, and requires practice.
3.Understand the secret to a good conversation.
Understand the secret to a good conversation.
Understand the secret to a good conversation. The secret at the heart of a good conversation is to listen and do very little of the talking, apart from encouraging the other person to open up. Once you understand this, you should feel a lot more reassured. Of course, there is an art to getting this happening but it's not hard. The process follows these two steps:
* Make a general comment about the location or occasion. Look around and see if there is anything worth pointing out. Examples of location or occasion comments: "What an amazing room!" or "Such incredible catering!" or "I love this view!" or "Great dog!"
* Ask an open question and get them talking about themselves.
4.Know how to ask an open question.
Know how to ask an open question. Most people love to talk about themselves; it's your place as the conversation starter to get them going. An open question is a question that requires an explanation for an answer, and not just a simple "Yes" or "No" as is commonly answered to a closed question. Open questions tend to begin with: Who? When? What? Why? Where? and How? Closed questions (are you? do you? have you?) only bring you back to the point of not knowing how to get the conversation going, whereas open questions oil the conversation and have the other person doing the talking.
* A closed question: "Do you like books?", "Have you been to university?", "Is spring your favorite season?", "Am I intruding?" "Do you come here often?"
* An open question: "What sort of books do you like?", "What did you study at university?", "Which is your favorite season? Why?", "What are you doing right now?", "Where's your usual watering hole?"
5.That's a great hairdo you've got there! Where d'ya get it done?
Put the location comment together with the open question and your conversation will be underway. For example:
* "That's a nice handbag, where did you get it?". This lets the handbag owner talk about the day that they went shopping and all this funny stuff happened, as opposed to, "I like your handbag." "Thank you." and then it's over.
* "What an amazing buffet! Which is your favorite dish?" This lets the other person open up about food likes and anticipation of eating.
* "Fantastic turn out! Which of the lecturers is your favorite?"
* "I love your costume. Which are your favorite sci-fi movies?"
6.Oh really? I had one just like it when I was a kid too!
Know the stuff of small talk. As well as using the location and open question technique, be aware of good topics for conversation. When you first meet people, it's important to keep the conversation light and simple. Rely on small talk until the two of you get to know one another better, as this is a time when you're both trying to establish rapport and similarities rather than setting each other up for an opinionated argument.
* Small talk encompasses such topics as your blog or website, the purchase of a new car, house renovations, your kids' artwork prize, vacation plans, your newly planted garden, a good book you've just read, etc.
* Small talk is not politics, religion, nuclear disarmament or fusion, or criticizing anybody, especially not the host or the event you're both attending.
* And although talking about the weather is a cliche, if there's something unusual about the weather, you've got a great topic of conversation.
7.And how did that make you feel?
Use words of a sensory nature. These are words such as "see", "imagine", "feel", "tell", "sense", etc., in order to encourage the other person to keep painting a descriptive picture as part of their conversation. For example:
* Where do you see yourself in a year's time?
* Tell me about the time that the boss sold your car without realizing.
* What's your sense of the current stock market fluctuations?
* How do you feel about the new plans for renovating downtown?
* What do you imagine he was thinking when he asked for a pay rise higher than the boss's salary?
8.Synchronize.
Synchronize. Once your partner-in-conversation has started talking, follow his or her cue to keep the conversation going smoothly. Use active listening to reflect what they're saying and to summarize their possible feelings.
* Say the other person's name now and then. Not only does it help you to remember them but it's a warming sign of respect and mutual like.
* Give encouraging feedback. You don't even have to say things a lot of the time - nod, say ah-ha or wow or oh or hmm, sigh, grunt convivially, and short encouraging statements such as "Is that so?" and "Goodness!", and "What did you do/say then?" and "That's amazing!", etc.
* Keep your body language open and receptive. Nod in agreement, make occasional genuine eye contact without staring, and lean in toward the other person. Place your hand on your heart now and then, and even touch them on the upper arm if you're a touchy, feely person.
* Keep good thoughts going through your head. Stay interested in the other person and focused on them. Keep your curiosity piqued rather than walking down the path of dark self-consciousness and withdrawing back into yourself. Note each time a similarity or common goal pops up in the conversation to remind yourself of the worth of continuing to connect with this person.
* Smile a lot, and laugh when any quip is made by the other person.
9.Notice signs of not wanting to talk, such as grimacing, screwing up face, etc.
Respond thoughtfully to someone who remains awkward or uncomfortable in your presence. If your conversation partner appears withdrawn and uninterested in sharing information with you, don't persist too much. Try a little more before making a decision to move on.
* Keep your questions non-invasive; be sure you're not asking them questions they'd rather not discuss. For example, some people might be very uncomfortable discussing issues that they feel touch on them personally, such as weight, lack of having a degree or qualifications, lack of having a steady date, etc. Try to be as thoughtful as possible even though you don't really know them yet.
* Don't ask too many questions if your conversation partner continues to appear unresponsive.
10.I seem to remember you telling me you'd done that before. How did you manage?
Maintain the equilibrium. As the person who started the conversation, the responsibility initially rests with you to maintain the momentum. But what about when the other person starts practicing active listening and open questions back on you? You have several options:
* Relish it as their cue to let you start talking about yourself. Just don't overdo it and remember to keep engaging them back with open questions and active listening at the end of your own recounting.
* Deflect it if you'd rather not be the center of conversation attention. Say something like: "Well, I like Harry Potter books, and I especially loved the last one. But you don't want to hear about me all night! What were your favorite moments in the Harry Potter series?"
* Answer questions with a question. For example, "How did you manage to get away so early?" could be responded to with a: "Well, how did you?". Often the other person will be so intent on filling you in on their side of the story that they'll forget they asked you the question first!
11.Practice often
Practice getting conversations started. You may feel a little clumsy at first, but with practice it can become easy to start good conversations. Every time you're in a situation where you're called upon to converse with others, see it as part of your ongoing practice, and note how you're improving each time that you try it.
Tips
* Speak with clarity and purpose. If you're mumbling, it makes conversing a lot harder.
* Show interest in the conversation.
* Reflect before speaking if it's your turn to talk and allow silence to also have its rightful place in your conversation. Don't be afraid of pauses – use them to change topics, re-energize the conversation, or to take a short breather even.
* Relax. Chances are that whatever small-talk you're making isn't going to stick out in anyone's mind a few months from now. Just say whatever comes into your head, so long as it's not offensive or really weird (unless, of course, the person you're attempting to converse with is into weird stuff).
* If you think of something in your head while you're talking, it's probably related.
* Animals are often common ground with people you have nothing else in common with. If you like animals in general it's easy to follow their track whether it's dogs, horses, birds, cats or wildlife. Cute cats and cat stories are as inoffensive as kid stories and may be more entertaining to non-parents. Of course drop it if they're not an animal lover. But if you're sorting a very large group of random people to find conversations with, whatever your favorite animal is, you'll find a fair number of others who share that interest.
* It will help if you watch some TV, listen to radio shows, and/or read a lot – newspapers, magazines, and/or books. Doing this will ensure that you have some idea of what's going on in the world.
* Remember and plan to share anything you like, think is funny, or find intriguing. This is a way of building up your own inner library of things that might be helpful to another person during a conversation someday. It can be amazing how you thread these interesting things when you least expect it, and make conversation an adventure instead of a dreadful task. If you take it to the next step and say things that you want the person to think of as adding value, and keep to yourself things that the person might not, you're actually honing your own personality to be appealing to the other person, and what is a greater act of kindness than that?
* If you're shy, it is helpful to have thought about a topic or two in advance that you feel comfortable talking about.
* A great entry into starting a conversation, especially for a guy approaching a girl, is to mention you can only talk briefly as you're meeting up with other friends. This relieves the girl of any fear of being uncomfortably stuck with someone she does not know, and gives you both an easy out if things don't progress well. If the conversation does progress well, you can always delay leaving your new friend for as long as you like. Remember not to overdo it, because she might think that you don't want to talk to her, but prefer to be with your friends.
* Follow the lead that your listener is expressing. If he or she appears interested, then continue. If he or she is looking at a clock or watch, or worse, looking for an escape strategy, then you've been going on for too long.
* Interesting and funny quotes or facts can lighten things up, and make way for things to talk about. You could also use a set of conversation starter question cards for inspiration.
* If talking over the phone, keep the person involved in the conversation at all costs. If you can't come up with a good topic, try the "questions" game. Just keep asking them questions; random questions work just fine as long as they are appropriate. This technique can save a phone conversation. The questions should be open ended questions that do not require a yes or no answer. For example "How do you know the hosts?" This way you can ask questions about what they just said or follow up with how you know the hosts (for example) instead of acting as if the conversation is an interrogation.
* Half of an effective conversation is the way you non-verbally communicate, and not necessarily what you say. Practice better non-verbal skills that are friendly and confident.
* Take a mental note of some amusing things that you saw or heard throughout the day. For example, something funny someone said, a fun activity you did with your friends, or anything interesting. This can give way to future conversation.
* Watch some stand-up comedians or comedy shows to get an idea of how to start a conversation humorously. Usually, the leads you find will be funny, and you will not need much in common to talk about them.
* Remember, whoever you are talking to, you always have something in common. We all experience the weather, like good food, and enjoy a good laugh. When in doubt, just talk to them about what they are there for. For example, if you meet them at a bus stop, ask them where they are going. If they are from out of town, ask them about their life at home.
* To break the ice, a compliment is always nice.
* People like to hear "hey, you look like my cousin!" or "Are you by any chance related to...?" Great conversation starter.
* Be bold. Connecting has been such a necessity recently that you can't be shy about it. If there's a reason to connect, find a way. If you love somebody's work, I tell them.
* Make sure what you say is relevant to others. You can't make a connection with someone without commonality. It's just human nature.
* Learn to get to know people. Living in the information age, so it's not really that hard. You don't have to lie or put on a show to be relevant – pick any person, and you almost always share something in common, if you look hard enough.
* I've also learned a difficult paradox – if you want people to be interested in you, you have to be interesting. Sounds simple enough, but the painful part is what that implies. If people aren't interested in you, then you may not be very interesting. That wasn't a very comfortable realization for me.
* Of course, it's more likely that you just aren't expressing your interests well or you're hiding those interests out of fear that people might reject them (and you). The end result – no relevance and no connections. At some point, you have to be interested out loud if you want to be interesting.
* It also helps to actually be interested in what you do. If your life isn't interesting to you, it's certainly not going to be interesting to anyone else.
* Additionally, you can always resort to fun but obvious conversation applications. Sites like Chatoms.com are meant to give you simple conversation starters, and do all the thinking for you. It's easy, but you'll be obviously unoriginal. With the advent of smart phones, sites like this are more and more relevant for conversation, and it helps get people who are usually playing games on their phones, to put them to good use!
* So, to sum up:
* (1) If you want to connect, be relevant.
* (2) If you want to be relevant, be interesting.
* (3) If you want to be interesting, be interested.
Warnings
* Don't be overly invasive with your questions.
* Watch out if you use tons of fillers like "umm" or "soo". It might make the person you're talking to feel awkward or obligated to say something. Instead talk slowly and pause. This will create a little tension and make your newly found friend more invested in your conversation.
* Don't ever comment negatively on the person with whom you are talking, or anyone else; you never know if there is a personal attachment to the person you are criticizing.
* Never swear, insult, disrespect, use racial, religious, sexual orientation, and gender slurs in front of others.
* Never act arrogantly and pretend to be a Know-It-All when dealing with people.
* Never ever interrupt a conversation between one or more people. Wait for the conversation to stop and then say something. Common courtesy goes a long way.
* Make use of "please", "may I", "thank you", "could you" when someone is nice to you and when you want something. Being polite shows maturity and intelligence.
* Don't always talk about your financial status in the presence of your new friend, especially when a guy has met with a girl.
* Also remember that not everyone wants to talk. If the person shows signs of discomfort or loss of interest, you should not bother them
* If you've just met the person and don't know what they're really like don't comment on touchy subjects, eg.religion or politics. Stay on light topics like TV shows, books. common interests, stuff like that.
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